What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
