this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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