Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I don't deserve a penis
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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