my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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