I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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