lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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