He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
