thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
