the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
