You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
