I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
