just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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