the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
