I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
