Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
