saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
