just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
