there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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