No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
