I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
