think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
