I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
