my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
