When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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