Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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