i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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