Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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