Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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