I think im going to throw up on grandma
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
