how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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