shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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