drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
They took my balls.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
