I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
