im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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