she was so not down for the gang bang
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
