did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
