apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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