I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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