Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
