I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
