but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
