I wish my penis had an off switch
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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