she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
