Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
