I got chris browned last night
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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