i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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