My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
