the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
