My sheets look like a crime scene.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
