he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
