Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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