you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
