At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
