guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
