i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
sarcasm needs its own font
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
