If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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